I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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