he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
