I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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