i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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