the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
