She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
