Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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