My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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