How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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