Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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