Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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