I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
