Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
