I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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