never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
