I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
