He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
