how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
