I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize