so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I want a musical about memes.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
