i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
