so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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