He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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