i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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