oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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