Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
