I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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