grandma shit on top of the toilet
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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