ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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