I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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