her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
