My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
