Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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