Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
