I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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