Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
