Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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