My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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