the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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