i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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