mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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