wakey wakey hands off snakey
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
