Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
