im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
