you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
