I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
