he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
