Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
