I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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