Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
