I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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