dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So here I am, sexting at work.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
