If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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