Duck Duck Cougar?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
