Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
