see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize