Tell her she can't have a vagina
Buhtt sex?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
