My first STD was from a foam party
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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