he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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