if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
