he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
