I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
