Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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